Geoff Plitt delivers the news with a twist.
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In the Ukraine, the government has seized alcohol made from radioactive Chernobyl apples. You do NOT want to see the worms that were in those apples. And I can see the sales pitch now. “If you’re tired of booze that puts hair on your chest, try one that makes it fall out of your head!”.
In conspiracy theory news, those pesky anti-maskers are up to no good again, and you won’t believe this. They’re now ready to wear masks– to protect themselves from vaccinated people. I think the solution is obvious: we need to develop a vaccine vaccine.
In Tech news, a new detail has emerged from the Bill and Melinda Gates divorce proceedings: they are giving away most of their fortune, and their 3 kids will receive “only” $10M each. Even worse, the kids won’t even get a free copy of Microsoft Office!
In the UK, a train company is apologizing for the conductor saying “good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen” after a non-binary passenger complained. From now on, to cover all the bases, he’ll say “Have a sh*tty, day, everybody!”
Did you guys catch this? A video surfaced of Marjorie Taylor Green stalking AOC in the halls of Congress, yelling through her mail slot and vandalizing her guest book. Boy, they really hate each other. I’ve got an idea to bring them together! The Marjorie Taylor Greene New Deal! Set aside a trillion dollars to cut carbon emissions, and another trillion to combat Jewish Space Lasers. It’s a win win!
Finally, in New York, lawmakers passed a bill banning cops from having sex with people in custody. I guess that’s why I saw protestors today chanting “Blue Sex Lives Matter”.
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