When the studied couples were in Gottman’s “Love Lab,” he asked them to resolve a conflict. Findings showed it was not whether they argued but how they argued that made the difference. Gottman offers four signs within arguments that are possible signs of potential relational problems/divorce. He calls these four signs the four horsemen of the apocalypse:
Criticism – Criticism is usually the first of the horsemen to appear within a marriage. Complaints will inevitably arise and mistakes will happen like forgotten anniversaries or arguments about chores. That said, once these mistakes become criticisms, the beginnings of a doomed marriage start to appear. For instance, it’s normal to complain about your partner for forgetting to do the dishes. But that complaint turns to criticism when you find yourself saying things like, “You forgot to do the dishes again? You’re so lazy!”
Contempt – If criticism is left untreated, it can turn into contempt. Contempt involves mocking behavior and expressions of disgust designed to make your spouse feel useless or small.
Defensiveness – If your partner is consistently showing you contempt, defensiveness can arise. If a criticizing partner scoffs at your spending habits, you may reply, “I don’t spend that much! I know many people who spend more than I do.” This defensiveness won’t solve any problems and will eventually turn into the fourth horseman.
Stonewalling – Stonewalling is when a partner has received so much criticism and contempt that they detach themselves from the conversation. Subsequently, they respond with phrases like “uh-huh” or “sure.” They will even avoid face-to-face interaction to avoid their partner.
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