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I don’t think I love my husband any more because of his depression
I feel like there is a bit of back story to our lives to bare with us. I really need to get this out and I don’t want to admit this to my friends or family until I decide if I want a divorce or not.
We (30yo m&f) have been together for 6ish years and married for 1.5 years. Shortly after our wedding he started suffering from depression varying in degrees. Sometimes not that bad but other times can’t get out of bed bad. We both come from abusive and messed up childhoods. We have both gone through depressions before but only I’ve ever seen a counselor to deal with / work through my childhood trauma. He has benefits to go but has never agreed to go. He was self medicating with alcohol and became alcohol dependent. With the help of AA he is now sober, though he has had slip ups over the years.
So for the last few months his depression has been really bad. I’ve given him the counselor information and it is well covered by our benefits but I can’t MAKE him go. Our sex life is non existent because neither of us feel very intimate with each other right now. He is depressed and that means he isn’t pulling his weight when it comes to chores and responsibilities. I am also working full time and in university part time so having to take on his duties is driving me into the ground physically and mentally.
My husband broke down last night and said he was having suicidal thoughts. I dialed our local suicide line and put him on the phone. He was sobbing and talking to them and I just didn’t feel anything. That was when I realized I didn’t love him anymore.
I feel like a shitty person when thinking about leaving. I did love him immensely but it feels like that person I loved is already dead and I’m just stuck with this useless guy in his body. I’m struggling with coming to terms with if he might come back or if I should leave, and guilt over thinking I COULD leave.
I have put so much work into healing myself of my own scars of abuse and I look at him just starting his road. I’m not sure I have the strength to travel that with him.
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