Get your favourite personality to go through your divorce instead of you…

By Real Divorce Stories On Jul 31, 2023 0

In this live event by renowned life-coach Tanya Mann Rennick (speaker at House of Lloyds and European Parliament) reveals a technique using archetype’s where we can literally summon the personality of someone perhaps more powerful and capable to enable us to deal with the challenges that may come our way.

Guest speaker: Tanya Mann Rennick

Spoken at the House of Lords UK
Spoken at the European Parliament
Spoken with David Cameron as Prime Minister at 10 Downing Street
Lectured at Cambridge University
Acclaimed Author

Contact Tanya: www.emotionaltherapy.uk

Transcription:

Here is an automatically produced transcription from the live event, expect errors:

Divorce Club: [00:02:00] Okay, so hello and welcome to, uh, divorce Club. Uh, my first ever meeting. Uh, we’ll be starting in just a few seconds time. So first of all, uh, big hello from me. My first event, my name’s Simon Kay Williams. I recently acquired Divorce Club and, [00:02:30] um, yeah, I so much I wanted to tell you. So basically I’m the child of divorce parents. I’ve been married and divorced myself. I have previously owned several life coaching and divorce support businesses, but actually they’re not the reasons I’ve been in and around divorce. It’s really down to my mum really. So the short version is my mum went through divorce, she never got over divorce and unfortunately she then got cancer a few [00:03:00] years later and she died. And it was a real source of great sort of sadness for me personally, to know that her last few years here on earth were, were horrible actually.

Divorce Club: There were terrible years and, uh, to a large degree she didn’t really have anything to live for. So I was sort of too young and too dumb and, and, and incapable really to help her at that time. But I guess in some small way, if I can help [00:03:30] now, then perhaps better late than never, I guess. So that’s where my sort of motivation comes and when an opportunity to get my hands on Devo Club, uh, I grabbed it with both hands. And in a moment I’m gonna be welcome you to I think, a very special standout guest. Before I do that introduction, I just wanna check, uh, I can see the video cameras on. Okay, that’s great. Uh, we’ve got so many bits of wires and software working today, um, just to make sure everything [00:04:00] is working okay. Looks like it is, right? So, um, I figured I had two different options with my very first event.

Divorce Club: I could go the sensible route, which was basically select a speaker that we’d worked with before, uh, to run that event. That seemed like the smart, sensible approach. I’ve not gone that approach. Uh, instead I’ve just gone out there and found the very best life coach that I could find that could help people going through divorce. [00:04:30] Um, so just to give you a little bit of a, sort of an understanding of her kind of knowledge and expertise, imagine going back a few years now. You are David Cameron, you’re running the UK and you’re sitting there as Prime Minister in 10 down street and you’ve got an issue you need some help with. Well, Tanya is one of those people that he picks up the phone to. So she has given, uh, gone to 10 down street. Give it David Cameron advice whilst he’s Prime Minister. She’s spoken to the House of [00:05:00] Lodge, she’s spoken at European Parliament.

Divorce Club: So guess what? She kind of knows a thing or two, and I think we can learn a lot from her. So I’m absolutely privileged and all it took was a gun and some hostage negotiations to, to persuade her to come along today. So I wanna say welcome you to who is now my new best friend? Tanya Mann. Renick. Tanya Darling. How the devil are you?

Tanya: I also want to say that I’m sending huge love to you because I know your story. I know your motivation behind Divorce Club and, and I know how hard it must have been to have been a, a very young person and witnessing something so traumatic. Uh, seeing your mother suffer that way, um, has definitely, uh, created in you. [00:10:30] Uh, as much as it’s been suffering, something really positive has come out because you want to help other people in that situation. So

Divorce Club: Yeah, it was definitely a very, um, dramatic experience and definitely taught me a lot, and definitely shaped my life incredibly. Um, actually, I’ll just stay just for a second more. The, the thing that kind of really gets [00:11:00] me is she had, like in her last year, she had literally one ambition, uh, which she said to me, which was, go to Greece, right? And which Greece is not that far away, not particularly expensive. She got cancer, couldn’t go, she got better booked the flight, got cancer again, and she never made it. And so for me, it’s like, you know, wherever that one thing is you need to do, go and frigging do it, do it. So yeah, that’s, that’s enough about me and my story, more about that perhaps another day. So, [00:11:30] so thank you Tanya. Appreciate that.

Tanya: And something that we shall, uh, go into. But, but, but she did not suffer in vain. If it was a catalyst to you helping other people, it’s very, so let this be. So please let this be in your mother’s memory. Okay? This is for your mom tonight.

Divorce Club: So thank you. Very kind, very kind.

Tanya: Hello everyone. And, um, sorry for all the, uh, oh, you agree. Thanks Amita. [00:12:00] Um, welcome. That was a bit emotional. Welcome, welcome, welcome. And thank you for your patience. Um, and thank you for your fabulous introduction, which was about half an hour

Divorce Club: Apologies for tech. Cockups, <laugh>. If, if anyone is offended by swearing, I’m sorry, but I suggest you switch <laugh>.

Tanya: [00:12:30] Yes, I’m sorry, but unfortunately I think we both have potty mouths and that’s just the way it’s gonna go down. Yeah. Okay, so let’s get serious here, because we all have a limited time and there’s a lot to pack in, and I’m really keen to, uh, share this with you. Um, divorce is difficult. We know this. I mean, it’s a ridiculous thing to just say it’s difficult, it’s [00:13:00] hugely challenging. It’s a massive life shift. Any type of relationship breakdown is traumatic. Um, but you know, when you’ve gone through the commitment of marriage and now you are getting unmarried, it’s, it’s a, it’s a very big deal. Um, and what’s also challenging is how you navigate your relationship with the person [00:13:30] you are splitting up from going forward. So, um, and it would be a much nicer way to go forward if you had a positive relationship with this person.

Tanya: Um, I understand it can’t always be that way, but generally when we look at why, um, a relationship breaks down, um, more often than not, and this is a huge generalisation, it’s [00:14:00] infidelity or mismanagement of money or, you know, the, the person has, uh, fallen into bad habits. There are, there are many, many reasons, but those reasons when you isolate them, and you get some, because I’m also, I should say the daughter of divorced parents. [00:14:30] But where I’m a little bit unusual is that my parents divorced when I was, uh, less than a year. Uh, uh, they separated when I was just a few weeks old because the marriage was already over, probably before I was conceived. And so, um, I am from really divorced parents. <laugh>, not just, not just a little bit divorced, but they are a massive, that was it. Um, and, [00:15:00] uh, I get the double badge because sadly my marriage also ended, uh, after 11 years.

Tanya: However, I have a very, very good relationship with my ex-husband. Now, I, it was not good at the time of the, uh, marriage split or the divorce. It was acrimonious and bitter. And what I learned in that process was [00:15:30] how, how that’s actually really unproductive. And it doesn’t have to be that way. This is about learning to master your emotions. It’s what I do as an emotional therapist is about learning to be mindful with your emotions. So accepting the hurt and, uh, whatever you are feeling, acknowledging it, but not allowing it to [00:16:00] drive you and master you. I hope that makes sense. I can’t see anyone’s reaction, so I’m just hoping that you are going along with me. Cause I’m just gonna rip through this. So one of the first, um, people I coached was many, many, oh, thank you. Yes. One of the, uh, first coachee I had, and we’re going [00:16:30] back a long time, about 15, 20 years, something like that. I, I can’t remember now, was going through the most awful breakdown of her marriage.

Tanya: Her now ex-husband was quite a bully. He’s not now, actually. He’s a, he’s a pussycat now, but he was younger and a bit more testosterone fueled. Yes, yes. Marielle. Yes, exactly. [00:17:00] Um, he was, um, an angrier young man. And so I don’t want to be cruel about him cause he’s actually a nice guy now. But as he was then, he was unkind and he made this girl Phil, feel really isolated and insecure. And she suffered greatly. She had very low self-esteem as a result. And she was a bag of nerves. [00:17:30] And in fact, Simon, like your mother, she developed cancer. But unlike your mother, she survived. Um, and is, now, I’m gonna tell you her story after I’m gonna tell you what happened. She was a bag of nerves, and I had find a way to help her confront her soon-to-be ex-husband, live with him in the same house, [00:18:00] and get through a divorce and sort out parenting and the finances and all the things that we have to do when we break up a partnership.

Tanya: And I was racking my brain because every time I said to her, be strong, she was like, well, how? And then I had a brainwave and I have since discovered that, even though I feel like it was [00:18:30] my brainwave, this is a thing that has been practised since time began. We just call it different things. But the purpose of this evening, we’re gonna call it modelling archetypes, but it could be choosing your hero. The ancient Egyptians did it. I mean, they, even in the burial tombs had figures painted with masks that, [00:19:00] that were like gods. In other words, you become someone else in order to be able to function at a different, not at a higher level, but at a more, uh, powerful level. Perhaps that’s the best way to describe it. So, uh, what we did was we looked at archetypes, heroes, people she could identify with who was strong and powerful.

Tanya: [00:19:30] Now, she could have chosen anyone. I mean, she could have gone to, I don’t know, Margaret Thatcher or good goodness knows who, because we’re talking about a generational thing here. You know, my hero is gonna be different to someone in their twenties, right? Another great example of, uh, someone choosing a hero was, uh, Beyonce. Now, I’m not a massive Beyonce fan, but I [00:20:00] know enough about her to know that she went through a phase where she suffered stage fright. And lots of performers go through phases where they suffer stage fright. And she’s Beyonce. I, I mean, she can’t be scared, can she? What did she do? She must have been coached. She created a character called Sasha Fierce. I dunno if anyone’s heard of this, but Beyonce is Beyonce [00:20:30] at home. But when she goes on stage, she, Sasha Fierce, she embodies this character who is powerful and sexy and cool and vibrant. And when she is Sasha Fierce, she can do anything she can wiggle about and do her thing. I don’t know what she does, but she does the thing. Okay? So [00:21:00] back to this girl.

Tanya: When she was a child, she loved watching Dynasty on the television. I don’t know who’s, uh, familiar with Dynasty, um, but Joan Collins played a character called Alexis Carrington. So if anyone is there, just give me a yes or a thumbs up, <laugh>, because Alexis Carrington was this incredible [00:21:30] character who, um, was shoulder pads out here, full makeup on. No, it, yay. Am Rita High five. Um, uh, you fully made up every day. Oh, you love that show. Hi, <laugh> in the heels. She took no shit from anyone. Julie, too. Hi. Right? So we [00:22:00] know, we know who Alexis Carrington was, played by Joan Collins. The thing about her was she stayed within her incredible femininity. She never lost control, self-control, always. You never saw Alexis Carrington be anything other than cool, composed within herself. And she, I’ve

Divorce Club: Got a little clip of her. Shall I play the little clip?

[CLIP]

Tanya: So we can see, um, that if we look at a character like that, we can see the strength in her. I hope you would agree. Um, and then, and then I also chose just for a little bit [00:23:30] of contrast, someone like, uh, Sherlock Holmes Benedict Cumber patch playing Sherlock Holmes. And the reason I I considered him is because he is so articulate, he’s so good at preempting what someone else is going to think and do. And one of the things that you have to do when you are in a difficult position [00:24:00] in, uh, the breakdown of a relationship is to have that amount of control, not over the other person, but over yourself and your emotions, because you don’t want to break down into a hot mess. What you really want to do is stick to facts, stick to the reality, look at your end goal [00:24:30] of where you want to be.

Tanya: And ideally, you want to be in a place where you can be dignified and gracious and move forward and send that person love and best wishes for the next part of their life as they wish you love and best wishes in the next part of yours. So this is not about becoming a bitch or becoming a bastard. You know how to, um, you know, emulate [00:25:00] a character of, you know, excessive meanness, because that’s really, that’s not, that’s just not productive. That’s just not gonna get you anywhere. It’s certainly not gonna get you moving forward and looking at your, your future relationships with <laugh> with, uh, much success. So you want to really look at someone who you admire, not that you fear. Okay. Now, before we go any further, [00:25:30] I just wanna talk a little bit about, uh, the, the work that I do with people around, uh, mindfulness and mindset, because, uh, that’s what I teach. Um, and when you have really good control over your mind, your mindset, everything else becomes much more simplified. Life is much, much easier. [00:26:00] When your emotions are running, you, you can’t hang on, you may be able to change your view. Do others have the same issue? Can we come to, to that, that afterwards? Yeah. That’s a

Divorce Club: Question for Amarita.

Tanya: Um, okay. Not for yourself. Let’s, let’s just, so, um, get your emo you need to be able to be in control of your emotions. Now, this doesn’t mean that you are robotic. Like, it means that you notice [00:26:30] your emotions, you accept them and acknowledge them, but you see them as thoughts. They’re not things, they’re thoughts, and you let them go. So if you would, like, we can do a little bit of mindfulness practise before we start working on choosing our archetypes. [00:27:00] Would that be good? Sounds good. I don’t know. It sounds good. Yeah. Okay. I’m gonna, I’m gonna put my glasses on, um, because I need to just

Tanya: Good. I, I wish I could see everyone. It’s such a shame. Anyway, okay. So I hope every Yes, great princess. Okay. So I hope that everyone is in a fairly quiet place. We’re gonna do a little mindfulness [00:27:30] practise, which is a bit like a meditation. I, I teach meditation. I’ve been practising TM high, uh, for, um, about 40 years. So, um, I just, I want to just do this with you because I, I think it’ll be a good reset and help us moving forward. Okay. So I want to just bring your attention to your breathing, and if you can, please just gently close [00:28:00] your eyes and be in the moment, okay. Below the air, as it comes in through your nostrils, and goes down to the bottom of your lungs. Follow it as it goes back out again below the air, as if you are riding the waves of your breathing. [00:28:30] Notice the air moving in and out of your nostrils. Notice how it’s slightly warmer as it comes out and cooler as it goes in. Notice the gentle rise and fall of your rib cage. Notice the gentle rise and [00:29:00] fall of your abdomen.

Tanya: Fix your attention on one of these areas, whichever you prefer, on the breath, moving in and out of the nostrils, on the rising and falling of the ribcage, or on the rising and falling of the abdomen. Keep your attention on this spot. [00:29:30] Notice, noticing the movement in and out of the breath. Whatever feelings, urges or sensations arise, whether pleasant or unpleasant, gently acknowledge them as if nodding your head, people passing by you on the street. [00:30:00] Gently acknowledge their presence and let them be. Allow them to come and go as they please. And keep your attention on the breath. Whatever thoughts, images, or memories arise, whether comfortable or uncomfortable, simply acknowledge them [00:30:30] and allow them to be. Let them come and go as they please. And keep your attention on the breath. From time to time. Your attention will become distracted by thoughts or feelings. Each time this happens, notice what distracted you. And gently [00:31:00] bring your attention back to the breath. It doesn’t matter how often your attention wanders off, whether a hundred times or a thousand. Your aim is simply to note what distracted you and bring your attention. There is no need to be frustrated [00:31:30] or impatient or disappointed when you get carried off by your thoughts. It’s the same for everyone. Our minds naturally distract us from what we are doing.

Tanya: So each time you realise your attention has wandered, gently acknowledge it. Notice what distracted you, and return your attention [00:32:00] to the breath. If frustration, boredom, anxiety, impatience, or other feelings arise, simply acknowledge them and maintain your focus on the breath. No matter how often your attention wanders, gently [00:32:30] acknowledge it. Note what distracted you, and gently bring your attention back to the breath. [00:33:00] And when you are ready, bring yourself back to the room and gently open your eyes. Wide awake. Wide awake. Now I am sure you feel instantly, [00:33:30] a little bit more calm, a little bit more centred. And if we can practise that in what, a couple of minutes, maybe five minutes,

Tanya: If you could do that, slow everything down back in touch. [00:34:00] Just your breathing. You can calm a lot of your anxieties. It’s not a cure-all, but I can take you much deeper and further than I, than I can on this, uh, uh, masterclass. But that is key to, uh, where we’re gonna go forward and how we’re going [00:34:30] to improve things for ourselves mentally. So I, I hope everyone that was helpful and relaxing and rejuvenating, recharge the batteries. Go to work now. Recharge the batteries absolutely with nothing. Woowoo <laugh>. See, did you notice that? No. Woo woo with me. Right. Okay. So we have spoken about Joan Collins [00:35:00] as Alexis Carrington. Yes, it does. Yes, it helps. It helps you focus. It’s beautiful. Uh, we’ve spoken about Joan Collins as Alexis Carrington. We’ve spoken about Benedict Cumber patch as Sherlock Holmes. Do we have the VT for that? Simon? We do. Let’s give that a whirl.

Speaker 6: You tyre me. Alexis

Speaker 7: Victim is in her late thirties, professional person going [00:35:30] by her clothes and getting something in the media going by the, frankly, alarming shade of pink. Travelled from Cardiff today, intending to stay London of her one night. It’s from the size of her suitcase. Suitcase. Suitcase. Yes. She’s been married for at least 10 years, but not happily. She’s had a string of lovers, but none of them knew she was married. Oh, for god’s sake, if you are just making this up, her wedding ring, 10 years old, at least the rest of her jewellery has been regularly cleaned, but not her wedding ring. State of her marriage right there, the inside of the ring is shinier than the outside. That means it’s regularly removed. The only polishing it gets is when she works it off her finger. [00:36:00] It’s not for work. Look at her nose. Doesn’t work with her hands. So what, or rather who does she remove her rings for? Clearly not one lover. She’d never sustained the fiction of being single over that amount of time. So, okay, we’ll

Divorce Club: Jump back then,

Tanya: Right? We’ll jump back. So, okay. Um, what I would like you to do, um, if you are all willing, is to give yourself, I’m gonna give you, um, a couple of minutes. I don’t think you need much [00:36:30] longer than that, but I want you to spend a couple of minutes thinking about a potential, uh, archetype, hero, heroin, whatever you want to call them. It doesn’t have to be the same sex. I mean, you know, be a bit more fluid than that. I’m not. But sometimes we identify with same gender, sometimes we don’t. [00:37:00] So whoever you feel you wish you could emulate in some way, um, because you feel that they are powerful in a positive way. So I’m gonna give you a couple of minutes to, uh, go through the, the different characters. It could be a character, uh, from the movies, [00:37:30] we’ve chosen movies and, uh, TV for the, for this, for, for this purpose. But, um, it works just as well with historical characters. Um, so if there’s a, a politician or a sports person, uh, you admire or you know, Tony Stark for me, or a queen, sorry, Tony

Divorce Club: Stark for me, I think Rob, what’s his name, really? Yeah. [00:38:00] Powerful guy.

Tanya: Okay, fantastic. Um, it could be someone you actually know or knew. So it could be a favourite, uh, grandparent or aunt or uncle or someone who you totally admire and think they had their shit together. Okay? So there is no restriction on who you choose. It could be someone, [00:38:30] uh, from who’s currently living someone from a thousand years ago. But ideally you want someone who you can really identify with. So you’re gonna wanna know quite a lot about them physically and mentally. How they think and behave is crucial to how well you can model them. So don’t just pick someone because they scored like three goals or something. [00:39:00] And that like, it, that doesn’t work. It’s got to be someone who, whose character you are aware of. And I’m gonna give you couple of minutes from now. [00:40:00] One minute to go. [00:41:00] Okay. I’m done. Thanks Simon. Thank you. That was a very handy timer. Oh, so you’re so techy. Um, so I, I’m hope everyone has arrived at an archetype, a model, [00:41:30] a hero, heroin, uh, however you wanna call it. Um, I can see the chat box. So do you wanna tell me Yes, I have Zamar. Do you want to name them?

Tanya: Do you wanna tell me who it is?

Divorce Club: Good call. Michelle Obama.

Tanya: Michelle Obama. Oh, that’s fantastic. I I was just looking at my, my, um, [00:42:00] Barrack Obama a promised land and thinking must buy Michelle’s book <laugh>. So that’s a very cool one. Brilliant. Okay. Your formidable grandmother, Rebecca <laugh>. I love it. I love it. Fabulous. Oh, that makes me feel quite emotional. That’s great. That’s [00:42:30] really great. Does anyone else want to share anyone else? The lawyer in the book. The Widows of Malabar Hill. Oh, that’s cool. That’s really interesting. So that’s a totally fictitious character. You’ve read about her in a book and I’m assuming [00:43:00] you, you have a visual picture of what this woman is like. Is it a woman or a man? And am Ruta, can I just say on an aside, I just love Michelle Obama’s arms. I just arm goals. Yes. FEMA can’t remember her name. Okay, go back to the book. My suggestion. Go back to [00:43:30] the book. Get her name or give her a name because you really want to get this character in 3D in front of you. So now I want, if everyone’s, so Tim, do you want to tell me who Tim, are you gonna share it with me?

Divorce Club: I’ve also got Man Angelo from, uh, princess Dunno,

Tanya: Who is right. Okay. You’re gonna definitely read the [00:44:00] book again. I’m glad I inspired you to read the book again. Um, okay, so f o b one <laugh>.

Tanya: That’s

Tanya: Good. May the force be with you. So Maya Angelou. Oh, that is fabulous. Oh, I love Maya Angelou.

Tanya: Beautiful choice. Beautiful choice. [00:44:30] Oh, fabulous. Okay, so keep them coming. I’d love to know more. I I really would because they’re so inspiring. I love hearing all the different, like, everyone’s got such a great idea in their head. So was yours Joan Collins? You, yours personally? No, that was, uh, Jo, Joan Collins was for someone else. I do use Joan Collins sometimes for me. Okay, but that’s interesting Simon, that you should say that. Uh, which brings me [00:45:00] onto, but we’re gonna go back to this. Uh, just an a as an aside, the advancement of this is once we’ve done this, uh, and we create this person and you know how to do it, you’re gonna go forward and you’re going to have different characters for different purposes. That’s another, there’s a whole nother story. We’re gonna stick with this for the purpose of [00:45:30] relationship breakdown. So following on from the mindfulness practise, I’ve got you in a zone. Now, I hope that you will be able to now close your eyes and feel instantly relaxed. I want you to be able to now bring your attention back to the breath, come back with me into mindfulness, into a very light meditative state. [00:46:00] Take a couple of deep breaths and see this character. See this character that you have, have a vision of.

Tanya: I don’t want this character to be 2d. I want you to have your person standing in front of you in full three D mode. [00:46:30] So I need you to keep your eyes closed and keep, keep that amory to keep that lawyer in front of you standing up in front of you right now. Let’s have Michelle Obama. Let’s have Obi one. I can’t remember hers. Your grandmother. Oh, your beautiful grandmother. I want you [00:47:00] to see this person and I want you to walk around the person. You need to have them standing in 3d. And I want you to feel yourself moving around this person as real as you are standing there.

Tanya: And I want you to really see them. I, I want [00:47:30] you to feel their presence. How are they breathing? How do they smell? Nice, I hope. How are they looking at you? How do they move? And now go inside. How [00:48:00] are they thinking? How are they thinking? What would they do? If you could step inside your hero, your archetype, your total embodiment of a person of success and strength and power that you admire. [00:48:30] And they were in your shoes, but you were in their shoes. Not they were in your shoes. You go in their shoes. How are they handling what you are going through right now?

Tanya: What would they do? And here’s the thing. I can [00:49:00] bet you there would not be getting into bed and scrolling for the next hour or two and losing sleep. There would not be reaching for the second and third drink. They would not be resorting to drugs maybe or other coping mechanisms like emotional eating, uh, avoidance of social engagements, [00:49:30] uh, insomnia. Uh, not getting outside, not exercising. Cuz these are the things that we do when we’re under pressure. So your person is in control, are they not? I know you’re gonna answer yes to me. I know I can’t hear you. I know you’re saying yes, tan.

Tanya: They have it down. [00:50:00] Yes. When they are under pressure, they may take a few days, but they are not gonna cave. Yes. Zamar, yes. High five, right? They’re not gonna cave, they’re not gonna crumble. They’re not gonna phone friends and keep repeating the same complaint again [00:50:30] and again. Oh, that’s another aside, is the more you keep telling everyone about your shit, the more you are perpetuating your shit. I’m just telling you now, you may need to share a little bit, but keep things close. Stop perpetuating your drama. Learn. Cause I bet you your archetypes would not be doing that, would they? [00:51:00] You just know it. What would your archetype be doing? They would be making sure that they get probably the right nutrition, little bit of exercise, a little bit of outside time, engaging with friends and family saying it’s gonna be okay. Strategic planning. I like it. They would be [00:51:30] not allowing emotions to override them. They wouldn’t be crumbling.

Tanya: They’re gonna be making sure that they go to bed. They’re not gonna be on social media for like seven hours or, you know, four hours, three hours. They’re gonna be in control of themselves. And the more you get into [00:52:00] that mindset, keep saying, I’m gonna use Joan for the purpose of this because we used Joan. What would Joan do? What would Joan do? You know, I saw her at, I went for tea to Fortnam and Mason’s <laugh>, bit posh. And, um, it was a couple of Christmases ago. And she came in with her entourage [00:52:30] and Percy, her lovely husband, that woman, I mean, she’s like 80 something. She was so glamorous. She had a hat on and she was all in red and she was magnificently fued and made up and she just was so in control, but not in control in an uptight way. [00:53:00] Just she had her shit together.

Divorce Club: She’s actually in the news today. Um, I can’t remember her age, but yeah, still looking stunning. And, and

Tanya: 90, I think. Yeah,

Divorce Club: Yeah. Incredible,

Tanya: Incredible, incredible. Oh, and we should also say God rest her soul. Glenda Jackson passed. Glenda Jackson was a twice Oscar winning turned labour mp. Amazing, amazing, intelligent, fabulous woman. And uh, [00:53:30] she was 87, so you could argue she had a good innings, but sad, sad to see her go. She was super intelligent. Um, so I would probably have, um, I would probably use Glenda Jackson, actually sharp wit, caring, kind, interesting film star and mp. She just decided she could do it all. [00:54:00] She didn’t look at limitations, she just looked at what she could do. And she made a fabulous movie called Touch of Class with George Siegel in the seventies. And, uh, one of the best throwaway lines. She had this gorgeous Italian surname. Um, and, uh, George Siegel said to her, well, you know, how come you have this surname? And she said, it was the only thing my husband was giving away

Tanya: I hope you are all working on this archetype, seeing them standing in front of you, remembering this is a positive, uh, experience. Please do not use this for anything other than a positive [00:55:00] outcome. Do not try and use, uh, a nasty person as an archetype. It won’t bode well, <laugh>. I know it’s tempting, especially if you’re feeling angry, but you don’t want anger to run you. It’s just, just destructive. So let those feelings go because really what you want is to step forward into the light. Get out of the misery of, [00:55:30] of the relationship breakdown. Because I f I feel you. I know how hard it is. Remember? No, no.

Divorce Club: I remember having a similar exercise now, it wasn’t related to divorce, it was actually to do with business, but it was Mm, it’s a simple question really. It was like if Richard Branson woke up in your shoes, in your room with your bank account, with your life situation, how long before he is a multimillionaire again. And like the truth is, [00:56:00] you think pretty quick, right? So yeah, it’s very powerful to slightly distance yourself, I think and think about from this other lens. It’s very free. I totally

Tanya: Agree, Simon. It’s very freeing and it’s, and it’s really interesting, uh, that you cited that as an example because it just shows you it’s not your situation. No. It’s your attitude to the situation. Yeah. And you can change it. I’ve seen it, [00:56:30] I’ve done it myself. It’s a total possibility. However dark and despondent you feel right now, I promise you, you sort this out. You sort your attitude out, your mindset, everything can change. I teach this method similar in a similar way for people with, uh, for confidence skills. So whether it’s confidence with presentation skills, which I also, [00:57:00] um, have taught in the past, or whether it’s just confidence as in being able to function in day-to-day life, whether that’s on a one on one basis or, or one to many in business. Uh, one of the best techniques is this is modelling.

Divorce Club: Um, it’s like most things, I guess it’s one of those things that I’ve, I’ve not done a huge amount of it, but I’ve seen other people. And the more you do it, of course, the more quickly you can kind of step into that role. And one exercise [00:57:30] I’ve seen people do is, uh, they’re talking to somebody. It’s just, you know, not in real life if you like, kind. And literally they’ll just snap their fingers and switch and you’ve gotta switch from one persona to another one in mid-sentence. And it mm-hmm <affirmative>. And it’s, it sounds really difficult, but actually once you get into the swing of it, it can be incredibly powerful. And you can just go from being this sort of weak character that somebody, and then straight into this big powerful role, uh, and just sort really living, living that. And it’s

Tanya: [00:58:00] Absolutely, cuz it also helps conversely, because when I used to give big talks and you know, you feel a bit like a rockstar if you are, um, uh, talk to powerful people and, and they are listening to what you have to say, you can have an inflated ego as a result. You can think, Hey, I’m up my my shit. I, I am the shit right now. Now obviously, once you come away from that situation, you go home and I mean, my kids [00:58:30] always used to cut me back down to size. You know, you are just the mom <laugh>, you know, picking up the socks off the floor. I mean, that’s just what you are. So one of the things is to be able to switch is a really important thing because we don’t need to be these big powerful people all the time, which is, uh, moving forward from this modelling how you then look at different characters in different situations until [00:59:00] it becomes very natural to you.

Tanya: So it may be that moving forward, looking at future relationships, you want to investigate a softer, more gentle side, a more trusting side. If, if your trust has been broken, you may have all your barriers up. But what if you could just be authentic and soft, vulnerable and allow yourself to feel the things that you’ve probably covered up for so long? And, you know, [00:59:30] I love working with people and getting them to get that back and be able to develop new, a new and a positive relationship based on what they would like to be. Because this is the other thing you are, you know, when you come to the end of a relationship, you are at this beautiful crossroads in life. You know, every end is a new beginning. Absolutely. And you can decide who you wanna be [01:00:00] going forward. You can say to yourself, look, these behaviours didn’t work for me.

Tanya: Perhaps I was a little bit too demanding. Perhaps I was this, perhaps I was that, you know, there are times where you have to just have an honest conversation with yourself about perhaps that you have a part to play and or you want to be more assertive going forward. Perhaps it’s that perhaps you were too much of a doormat and you didn’t assert [01:00:30] yourself and therefore you got treated badly because you were disrespected and you were disrespected because you did not command respect. Mm. And so, you know, I would, I would highly recommend seeing a, a life coach if that’s, uh, uh, where, where you ended up. Because you need to build up self-esteem. You need to know your value. You need to not be arrogant with it. You need to actually be humble, [01:01:00] but know your worth.

Divorce Club: But one of the major benefits of that life coach is just their slightly removed aspect, right? And it’s, it’s so valuable to have that perspective without all the emotions. And it’s, it’s so clear most of the time to the life coach and we can’t see our own stuff, right? It just, it’s um,

Tanya: Well, fortunately I’m detached enough that, um, that I’m not [01:01:30] invested. And if you, you know, what we do is it’s a madness, okay? So if we wanna learn to drive a car, we go to a driving instructor, we very rarely just read a book and think, well, I, I can drive a car. You know, if we want to cut our hair, we usually go to a hairstylist, right? And we have a, a haircut. Or if you need something extracted, you go to a a tooth, for example, you go to a dentist, you’re not gonna DIY it. But [01:02:00] life, which is possibly the most important thing we are gonna do is live. We just leave it to chance. Or we ask friends or family. Do not take advice from people who you do not 100% respect and think they’ve got their shit together. Why would you take advice from someone if they are not exactly as you wish to be?

Divorce Club: Well, even if they were, if they’re that close to you, they can’t [01:02:30] tell you the tough stuff they can’t that you might need to hear and cause that’s gonna risk their relationship. So

Tanya: Absolutely there’s, they can’t do that. There’s a vested interest you that you can’t do that. And the, but the thing is also at the same time that I will put in a caveat, and I would say that, um, for me personally, what I do is, uh, I am tough enough with someone, but I’m gonna, I’m gonna love you and I’m gonna tell you straight. [01:03:00] And that takes courage, but it takes love. And, uh, I asked someone recently who I worked with, you know, if you could describe me, help me, how, how would you do it? And he looked at me and he said, tan, you have no fear and much love. And that became my tagline. It’s beautiful, no fear and much love, which is beautiful. So I [01:03:30] hope that’s given you a start, an introduction to it. And I hope that you can see that I can be intuitive and spiritual without any woowoo.

Tanya: I don’t do the woo woo stuff, but I wanna give you guys mental flexibility. I want you to be able to bend because [01:04:00] if you become rigid in your thinking, that is when you break, okay? Think of it, think of an old dried up tree. Trunk will snap, but a sapling will bend and move with the wind, with the winds of emotions, with the winds of challenging challenges. You [01:04:30] want to be flexible, mentally flexible, mentally agile will help you get through whatever you are going through. Now, I just send you all my love. I have total, total empathy for whatever you are going through. Been there, done it, got the t-shirt, if there’s any way I can help you further.

Divorce Club: So that’s a good question. Let if people know, do want to continue this journey as you say, this is also just, uh, [01:05:00] just a very much start of just one technique. So, I mean, I know yeah, a little bit about you. I know this is just one of many techniques and it’s a, it’s a fascinating, powerful one, but it is just one of many. Uh, obviously we can’t explore all of those today. Um, so, um, obviously if people want to continue their journey, they can get in touch with you. Um, I think we’ve got something for them as well. So, um, I know I’ve been having some, uh, troubles with it. We’ve got, uh, a different view [01:05:30] going out to our stream as to our zoom, which is causing some challenges, uh, more challenges with the zoom than the stream. I think so. Um, so we, so yeah.

Divorce Club: So if people wanna continue this, I know that Tanya, normally your day rate is 2000 pounds a day, right? So what we’ve done with divorce clubs help here is there’s actually, you’ve got a few places, maybe we’ve got five places over the next 14 days [01:06:00] for an hour. And now that can be used for anything. But the expectation is it would be a continuation of this technique where it can go into a sort of deep dive in their personal archetype and how they can actually sort of manifest it on situations they could use it. So, um, yeah, anything more you want to explain about what it’s a little bit like for people to work with you?

Tanya: Absolutely. Um, so we can, you can either come and see me in person, I’m in [01:06:30] central London, or you can get on a zoom call with me. Um, I would love to explore your archetype with you. Uh, we can look at how you can make that work for you powerfully, uh, as you navigate your way through these mad times. Um, you can work on mindfulness with me, we can do a combination, um, and you know, you [01:07:00] basically, you can fire anything at me, I’m sure I’m gonna be able to help you. Uh, I know an hour doesn’t sound like a lot, but when it’s one-on-one, I can pack a lot in for you and really get you into a place of absolute strength focus and solidity, but also flexibility. Yeah. So if you want that, [01:07:30] just come and find me.

Divorce Club: I mean, I’ve unfortunately through my various business divorce and obviously my mom seeing people not solve this problem. Yeah. And the repercussions are, are significant I think last sometimes decades. I mean, I would, yes. We had people that had had 50 years, literally 50 years after their marriage coming back for help and it’s like 50 years kind of wasted. So, um, well

Tanya: The bitterness will eat into you and unfortunately [01:08:00] can manifest in then disease. Um, they, there is a correlation between Yeah, absolutely. Even things like, like cancer and stress. So stress and anxiety management is key here. But it’s not just that heart disease, it’s all sorts of things, but it’s also how it impacts on the rest of the relationships in your life because it will just start to look at the guilt that you felt, [01:08:30] Simon, because of your not being able to help your mother, she wouldn’t have wanted you to have felt guilty, but you did. So in everyone’s lives, we’ve got people around us who are frustrated because they cannot help us. So it helps other people when you are well and healthy and making good, good decisions. And also if you wanna keep continuing the same mistake again and again and again, then don’t do anything, you know? Mm-hmm. But you [01:09:00] clearly do wanna do something because you’re here. So what you need to do is make sure these patterns do not repeat. Mm-hmm. And use this as a catalyst to becoming a much better person going forward. Because certainly I would say, and my ex-husband would probably say divorce was probably the best thing we could have ever have done

Tanya: Because, because we learned to be better people.

Divorce Club: [01:09:30] Yeah. I’m always amazed if someone’s car, yes, if someone’s car breaks down, they don’t hesitate for a second to go and get it mended, right? You know, it’s a thousand pounds of fiction engine or a clutch or something. And yet when something happens to perhaps their life like a divorce or a bereavement, many people are really reluctant to invest in themselves and it’s like the most mental health is the most critical thing. So, okay. So if people do want to [01:10:00] contact you, um, we’ve got a special offer. It’s 300 pounds for an hour session with you. If you wanna continue this conversation with Tanya, um, if you are the Zoom call, the badge is not gonna show up. So scribble this down. The link is divorce club.com/event-special offer. Gonna repeat that, so it’s divorce club.com/event. Special author. I’m gonna try and type it in.

Tanya: Can [01:10:30] we put it in the, in the chat box maybe?

Divorce Club: Yeah, I’m gonna try and do that right now. Um, as you know, guys should never try multitask, um, <laugh>. And so we’ve got, you’ve got five of those available if people do want to, uh, grab that. So I’ll just type it in now and,

Divorce Club: Um, that is, that, that’s just gone out. So thank you for your time everybody [01:11:00] really appreciate, apologies for the technical, uh, hiccups. I’ve still got a few lessons to learn there. Apologies for that. But thank you Tanya for, for, you know, solid. And I realise it’s just one technique. I hope in the future we might be able to explore some others as well, but it’s a very powerful technique and I’ve kind of seen it in operation. Um, and actually it’s something I want to, to do more myself as well in all areas of my life, you know, so, uh, it’s a very powerful technique. So thank [01:11:30] you Tanya, for your time. You’re welcome. Anything, any last words you want to share?

Tanya: Uh, I just want to thank everyone for coming and I’m glad you’ve got a great takeaway message. Thanks Amita. Thank you Uriel. Thank you everyone for being here, uh, and for joining Simon on his, uh, divorce Club, launch <laugh> workshop. I am so honoured to have been your, your first guest. I hope that privileged I do come back. [01:12:00] Ditto. I’m privileged to be here. So that’s, it’s very, very lovely and um, just, I wish you all, lots and lots of love and lots of success. And please, please remember there is light at the end of the tunnel. Just be you, be love, be happy, and God bless everyone.

Divorce Club: Thank you all. Thank you. Bye for now.

Tanya: Bye.

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